The thing I like the most about our current way of running elections is that when someone decides they want to be president, we say “Okay, sounds good. Just, if you please, before we vote for you, you have to go to a squarish state in the middle and walk around in the heat eating roughly 9,000 calories of state fair food.”
And the candidates just do it! Can you believe? Other times we say, “Hey, can you just give us a straight answer from the debate stage?” or “Hey, can you drop out because you’re polling at zero percent and all of the second-hand cringe is giving me hives.” The candidates do no listen to this; the candidates go “La la la; can’t hear you. What’s that you want? More merch?!” But when we say, “To ascend to the highest office in the land, you must fly to Iowa on the hottest day of the year and furiously stuff your face.” The presidency is an eating contest and I have never been prouder to be an American and someone who definitely gets their money’s worth at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Photos have been coming in all week of 2020 Democratic candidates walking around the Iowa State Fair holding large fried things on sticks and warily looking at the ravenous crowd as the crowd chants things like “GOBBLE IT UP!” and “FOOD FOOD TEETH TEETH YUM!” Let me tell you, this is what makes this country great. Frankly, the only reason I would run for president is to eat a fried Oreo in Iowa. I know that I can eat a fried Oreo in Iowa any time I want but I would feel better about it if it was compulsory. “Oh, I must eat this fried Oreo? To defeat Trump, you say? Well, I am a patriot so down the hatch! To freedom!”
Of all the 9,000 candidates currently running for president and eating their way out of the Midwest, I think Mayor Pete’s food diary is the most inspirational (and by inspirational, I mean concerning).
According to Adam Wren, who is covering the South Bend, Indiana mayor on the trail, Buttigieg consumed a root beer float, a pork chop on a stick, a gizmo, a bacon ball BLT, fried Oreos, chocolate milk, slushy. BLESS and I cannot stress this enough THIS MESS!
Also, someone please send a secret service detail to Mayor Pete’s tum-tum!
I love state fair food so much and I love that Iowa seems to understand the state fair as a time to go absolutely H.A.M. on, well, ham.
A gizmo is apparently a sausage sandwich but I wouldn’t be surprised if they just coated a baby gremlin in cake batter and fried it up. Delicious! There is something called a bacon ball BLT and I need to sit down. A BLT is bacon, lettuce, and tomato, so a bacon ball BLT is bacon (ball form) bacon (standard) lettuce and tomato. Are the lettuce and tomato in a ball as well? Do they just toss things at your mouth until you shout “Enough I’m done” like the rhetorical guest in the anthem “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast? I have so many food questions.
Another thing I like about Iowa is that sometimes they make the candidates cook their own food, like they’ve shown up to one of those dinner parties where the hosts think it’ll be fun to involve everyone and you just want to sit on the couch, drink wine, and gossip, but whatever. A third thing that I love about Iowa is the number of people walking around with sashes that read “Queen.” These are my people.
Though Mayor Pete, who seems to have made a pact to eat the same number of food items as languages he knows, is clearly doing the country proud with his consumption, every candidate is putting in the hard work of eating under extreme observation.
Senator Harris tweeted out a video of herself eating a pork chop this weekend. This is the content I live for. This video is somewhere between those ASMR channels where people just eat lobster and I watch for hours because that’s what modern leisure is and one of those Buzzfeed videos where they get a bunch of moms or aunts to try each other’s food and you’re like “THIS IS GOING TO GET SO REAL SO QUICKLY.”
It is truly wild that Elizabeth Warren looks presidential even as she is toting around a corn dog. Have you ever seen someone look so purposeful whilst holding carnival food? She has a plan to get this corn dog off of this stick!
I am confused about this photo because it looks like she is in the crowd at an Elizabeth Warren rally, but if that’s the case, who is speaking?! Also, there is someone very close to her wearing a shirt that I presume reads “Tupac fo President.” Sure! Why not!
Here Senator Gillibrand is grilling her own pork chops (that’s how they get you!) but it also looks like she is using a divining stick to find gold in a river—another great way to choose a president! She is so serious about this task!
Fortunately, she later got ice cream for her efforts. Can you imagine, you’re just a high school sophomore trying to make some summer money at the ice cream stand and a famous politician walks up, sticks a camera crew in your face, and then wants to shake your sticky, Rocky Road-covered hand? And after all of that you still have to de-ice the freezer and mop the walk-in? My goodness!
What did I get you for your birthday? A photo of Senator Booker shoving an entire fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich into his face. You’re welcome!
At a certain point, this state fair gauntlet, while exhilarating, begins to looks a bit punishing, too. It’s like those hot dog eating contests where the contestants suddenly burst into tears and you’re like “Well, I guess that is what happens when you eat 100 hot dogs soaked in water in under five minutes.”
Can someone, anyone, bring Cory Booker an antacid? And also another gizmo!
Tom Steyer is still running for president and looks about as pleased to be drinking this lemonade as I am to see him still running for president.
This looks like an ad for cheese curds that follows you around the internet. It’s one of those where you stare at it and say, “Everyone looks sort of happy to be eating cheese curds but also slightly unsettled.” And that’s what lodges the ad in your brain. It keeps showing up on random articles (EVEN THIS ONE) until finally you’re like “I think I should buy some cheese curds. And also maybe elect a cheese curd for president. Am I doing this right?
Yes, you are. This is America, we are very hungry, we have access to fryers, and we have trouble making decisions! If you want to be president, you have to eat your way to Washington. It’s what the founders intended. FOOD FOOD TEETH TEETH YES WE CAN!