Unfortunate but unsurprising news for the members of the Ha Ha Hive out there: April Fool’s Day is canceled and if you pull a prank online or in person you are guilty of a misdemeanor and have to Venmo me $5,000. At his daily informercial yesterday, President Trump got up after a rousing speech from the founder of MyPillow, yelled at a couple reporters for reminding him of things he actually said with his actual mouth, and then announced that April Fool’s Day would be canceled this year, with no postponement currently under consideration. It’s a tough but necessary blow to the prank economy. If you have access to Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney, please check in on them at this difficult time.
The move does have its detractors, though. Some say that the aggressive fun of lying to friends and associates for comedy reasons is just what the country needs to lift morale. Indeed, there are many reports of internal conflicts about the move in the Trump administration. Reportedly Jared Kushner argued that lying is the administration’s most popular initiative and coming out against it, even for a day, would hurt their uncredibility. Nevertheless, for the first time the president made a decision with the public good in mind and outlawed April Fool’s Day 2020.
Honestly, I’m glad about this. The fact is there’s no April Fool’s joke powerful enough to counteract the present. Your scientists have tried and your scientists have failed. Ashton Kutcher was flown in from his secret wealthy person bunker and locked in a lab, but the results don’t look great.
Woe to the person who thinks they have the solution! What are you going to do, tweet “Rihanna’s album is out! April Fool’s!”? The public will rise up upon you like a wall of fire and you will experience a cancellation so strong it will show up on a seismograph. Rolling on to Facebook, chuckling to yourself, and having the Tia and Temerity to type “Zoom introduces new filter that keeps your face neutral even when you roll your eyes.” Nope. No thank you. Keep the fiction in books, dearie. Put up or shut up 2020.
The only April Fool’s Day joke I want to receive is from my landlord: “Hi, rent is due. April Fool’s! Can you imagine? OMG, have a great day and don’t worry about sending me any money for a while. Also, I heard a rumor Rihanna’s album came out? Huge if true!”
So many people like to terrorize their officemates with April Fool’s jokes. What are you going to do now, Chad? Trick you Golden Retriever into thinking it’s Friday? Really? You can play a prank on your kids if you want, but you should probably take into account that after you deceive your children, you have to live in the same space as them 24 hours a day for the foreseeable future. What’s the plan, Chad?! You gotta think about April 2; you gotta think about April 10. You gotta think about the forty-first of Augtober. This is not a time for jokes. Well, except for these jokes, which are telling you explicitly that they are untruths and also are being brought to you in the month of March. So, to clarify: me=uncanceled, everything else=canceled. It’s the law!
Actually, you know what? Why stop at canceling April 1? Let’s cancel the whole month of April. Tax Day already got moved and Chromantica is postponed; let’s just stay in March until we’re able to touch each other’s hands again. If we stop time, no one will age (this is science), none of the weird things we tweet will count, and Rihanna will eventually have to release that album. Once that happens, we can begin again!