At some point in a woman’s life, many of us graduate from “boys have cooties” to daydreaming about her perfect guy. For me, the options ranged from doe-eyed crooners like Jesse McCartney and Mario to movie baes Adrian Grenier and Morris Chestnut. But then I grew up, and actually had to step out of my fantasy world to date IRL—and the fellas I encountered were nothing like the ones I drooled over while I was counting sheep.
Truth is, dating can sometimes feel like one long merry-go-round of god awful dates that end before they can even begin, meeting fuckboys masquerading as Prince Charmings, and developing strong connections with potential suitors only for the flame to fizzle out, leaving you to re-watch He’s Just Not That Into You for the 27th time (28, but who’s counting?).
But dating is just a learning experience, and no amount of drive, talent, intellect, and wit can protect you from the multitude of Mr. Wrong’s out there. We’re all basically trapped in a rom-com with characters that run the spectrum from jerks and users to the down-right manipulative. Think you’ve unlocked all the characters in your movie? Think again.
Ahead, the eight worst types of dudes to avoid at ALL costs.
The “Where’s my hug?” guy
Ugh, I shriek at the sound of that three-word sentence. I am actively against giving hugs to people who aren’t in my immediate friend circle, so chances are if you’re asking, “Where’s my hug?” I never intended on giving you one and probably won’t ever. Why? Because the “Where’s my hug?” guy’s hug lasts for way longer than it should; it reeks of desperation and entitlement, puts the subject in an uncomfortable position, and it’s just outright creepy. Where’s your hug? NOWHERE.
The “Sorry, I fell asleep” guy
Behold, the most common red flag women love to overlook. Allow me to set the scene for you. You’ve been talking to a guy for quite a while now and everything appears to be going well—until it doesn’t. What started off as frequent calls and conversations has quickly turned into frequent excuses, including this classic line, “Sorry, I fell asleep.” He’s just not that into you, sis. Plain and simple. We all have obligations, eight-hour work days, and gym commitments, but if someone is truly interested in you, they’ll make the time. If you showed up to your job late and told them, “Sorry, I fell asleep,” there would be serious repercussions or worse, you’d be terminated. Terminate him. You deserve better.
The one who’s always texting, “U up?” after hours
Whoever said “Romance is dead” must have received a “U up?” text at 2:34 am. If you’ve been in the dating limbo long enough, you’ve received the infamous message at some point. Every girl knows the “U up?” guy. To the uninitiated, that line is usually used by a horny soul who wants to determine whether someone is awake and horny (read: booty call). He’s the nocturnal texter who never makes any real plans to see you in the daytime, and you love it because you equate attention to love. But not all attention is good attention. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with the message, especially if you’re not interested in cultivating an emotional connection. But for many, the problem is feeling objectified. He could’ve messaged you with actual plans, be it a movie or dinner date, but instead, he’s hitting you up in the wee hours of the morning because he’s horny. He’s treating you as an afterthought and not a priority. Next.
The one who texts, “Hey, big head.”
Have you ever posted a gorgeous picture on your Instagram, only to see the side-eye emojis pop up in your direct messages by your ex from two years ago? You, my friend, have been a victim of the “Hey, big head” plague. The “Hey, big head” text takes on many different forms. There’s the “Hey Stranger,” “I see you’re doing well. We should catch up, I miss you,” and my all-time favorite, the side-eye emoji. These phrases are basically youth jargon that usually happen when someone is trying to rekindle an old flame or are just horny. He’s not at all interested in what you’ve been up to and probably doesn’t really miss you, he misses the access he once had to you and sending a “Hey, big head” message is step one in his plan to reel you back in it. Don’t respond.
The racist with the “Black Friend”
It’s 2019, and racism is still everywhere. Of course, there are many people who “don’t see color” or use the “I have a black friend, I can’t be racist,” card whenever they’re called out on their racism. If your potential suitor has offended a member of a marginalized group and automatically defaults to bringing up their “black friend” (“I have black friends who weren’t offended by this.”) to prove they’re not racist, he’s racist. Stay away.
There are cheapskates who wince at the bill and then there are those that have already marked the date expense in their Excel budget sheet. The Cheapskate takes you for soup and salad at Olive Garden and gives off a subtle look that makes you feel anxious and forced to contribute to the bill, while Mr. Budget is ready to treat you to a full course meal at NYC hotspot Carbone. Here’s the thing: It’s not always about money because everyone’s financial situation is different. But you’re more likely to feel more comfortable talking to a guy who’s generous and actually puts an effort into the date, from the restaurant down to his outfit.
The one whose “sarcasm doesn’t translate in text”
Ah, sarcasm. You’re either good at it or really bad. In the beginning stages of dating someone, it can be hard to gauge your potential suitor’s humor, especially over text. You know this type of dude. His ignorance and politically incorrect statements are masked as humor and he becomes upset when “you don’t get” his jokes. No, you’re just not funny.
The one who keeps sending unsolicited dick pics